i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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