my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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