I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
