if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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