I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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