You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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