Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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