I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
