Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I AM VODKA MAN
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
