I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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