my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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