apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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