when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
