How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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