dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
