My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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