this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
