And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
