I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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