dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
