she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
