Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
