I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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