So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
