my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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