Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
