Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
