Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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