I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
