Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
