can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
