My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you didnt know i had herpes?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
