He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
