I'm really into asian looking animals
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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