i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
