I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
