It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
