Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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