Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
