I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
