nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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