it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
