just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
