your parents love me but you hate me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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