Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so let's talk penis.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
