she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
