Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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