I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
