I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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