you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
