He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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